Boundaries with People Who Don’t Get It: Protecting Energy and Practicing Self-Care

When they come up in the therapy room, people often think of boundaries as something cold, like a wall or a door slammed shut. In practice, they’re much more ordinary than that. A boundary is just a way of saying: this is what I can manage, and this is what I can’t.

It’s not dramatic. It’s not a punishment. It’s simply the truth of what it takes for me to stay present in a relationship.

Boundaries make relationships clearer

Without boundaries, things get muddy fast. Maybe I say yes when I don’t really want to. Maybe someone leans on me in ways that leave me drained. Over time, resentment builds, and the relationship feels heavier than it needs to. A clear boundary can help navigate the relationship to steadier ground. When I know what I can offer, and the other person knows it too, we both have a better chance of staying connected without the unspoken tension.

Sometimes boundaries land badly. People can hear them as rejection, or get defensive, or try to push past them. That hurts, especially if it’s someone close. But sometimes, boundaries are met with respect. When someone says, thanks for telling me what you need, something opens up. The honesty creates more safety, not less. And that’s when you see how a boundary can actually deepen trust.

Boundaries don’t mean we care less. They mean we care in a way that doesn’t cost us self betrayal. They make it possible to keep showing up, not just in one burst, but over time. It’s a quieter kind of love, one that honors who we are and what capacities we have, one that doesn’t burn us out.

Reflection

Take a moment and think about your own relationships. Where do your boundaries land softly, where someone takes them in and adjusts? And where do they get dismissed or ignored? Notice how it feels physically to imagine both scenarios. That difference you feel in your body is your nervous system communicating, telling you something important about where you’re supported.