When Identity Finding Feels Messy: Embracing Uncertainty in Transformational Journeys
There’s this fantasy that one day, we’ll finally figure it out.
Our gender, our sexuality, our “place in the world.” Like we’ll stumble upon the right label, put it on like a well-fitted jacket, and feel instantly at home. People might even clap and say, ah, now it makes sense!
But identity is rarely so tidy.
For me identity has always been something that unfolds like a dance. Sometimes graceful, sometimes (often) awkward, always in motion. It isn’t a riddle with one right answer; More like an ongoing and messy process of becoming.
The pressure to “arrive”
When you’re in the thick of self-questioning, it’s tempting to chase after a final resolution. Maybe friends or family members keep asking, Maybe you’re asking yourself. There’s comfort in clarity, in the idea that we could finally arrive.
But here’s the thing: our identities are alive. They shift, stretch, contract, and evolve. What felt true at 18 might not at 30. What you discovered last year may deepen, soften, or even transform completely. None of this means you were “wrong” before. It means you’re human. Life can get pretty existential when we really think about how much we change over time, and this often leads us to forget how radically we change all the time.
The myth of arrival is seductive, it’s also suffocating.
The fog of uncertainty
Uncertainty can feel like being lost in fog. You can’t see where the road is leading, you don’t know if you’re going the “right” way, and the temptation to just pick something and stick with it is strong.
But living in the fog is not failure. It’s courage. It takes guts to say: I don’t know yet, and I’m still going to live my life anyway. The “not knowing” is a place where possibilities are still alive. Instead of shutting them down too soon, we learn to breathe in the fog and trust that clarity will come in its own time.
Practices for the in-between
When identity feels messy, small grounding practices can help:
Language play: Try on words like you’d try on outfits. Some may fit for a season, some forever, some not at all.
Body listening: Ask, “What happens in my body when I imagine being seen this way?” Notice if there’s expansion, contraction, warmth, or unease.
Permission to pause: Remember, you don’t owe anyone a final draft of your story. “I’m figuring it out” is a full, valid answer.
Choose your audience wisely: Share your process with those who know how to hold uncertainty without judgment.
A softer story
What if instead of chasing “the answer,” we shifted the goal toward self-compassion? What if identity wasn’t a label to get right, but a relationship with ourselves that grows and changes over time?
And if the point isn’t to arrive at one single truth, could it maybe be to keep showing up honestly, even when things are in flux?
